I have started and stopped writing this post many times mostly because I do not want to sound like I do not enjoy my life, but it is time to be honest. Sometimes being the wife of a basketball player is a challenge. Very few times are harder for me than this time of the year. It is an easy time to get down on all that is going on, and I have to be especially careful not to allow resentment to fester in my heart.
I know some of you are thinking, “what is this woman talking about?”
Allow me to explain.
We are entering prime signing time for basketball. Even when Kevin was younger, he didn’t tend to sign until late-July to early August. The past two years he has signed in October and November…and not in Europe, but the Middle East. Waiting for “the call” is always a challenge, but some years are harder than others. This year is one of them. Part of it is my own health issue (more on that later this week), but part of it is the fight within me to trust that things will work out. In other words, the action-researcher/planner part of me allows the lack of action on my part to feel unnatural and manifest itself in discontent. Plus, Kevin has been home since February, which has been nice except for the unemployed part. (It’s definitely a year to praise God that I am also employed!)
In the past seven years of doing this (wow!), I have learned to cope with each season (and this is but one) differently, and like I said, some are harder than others.
One thing this off-season has reinforced for me though:
Nothing is a given. Life can change at any time, so it is best that I not hold on too tightly to what I plan for the future.
Kevin’s surgery ensured that lesson was ingrained on both of our minds and hearts, but it also makes this signing season even more stressful for both of us. All we can do is wait… tic toc. OK, Kevin also works out.
Way back in April, a woman I would call a great friend (though we’ve never met…thank you Facebook and the basketball wives group!) , Kearstin, and her husband-to-be, Adam, suffered a great loss. Adam’s sister, Jill, died shortly after her son’s birth. As if that were not tragic enough, the baby, Chase, also died.*
To provide the stepping stones for young people to chase and achieve their dreams. We aim to provide aid through financial assistance, encouragement, guidance and emotional support.
The Fund is a living legacy to the attributes Jill exhibited daily with the way she lived her life. Her zest for living, drive to achieve her aspirations and enthusiasm were contagious to everyone she met. Jill forever changed the lives of everyone around her. This Fund is a celebration of that love, guidance, support and the realization of her desire to keep dreaming and CHASE YOUR DREAMS!
Adam and Kearstin continue to rely on God and His promises during this incredibly difficult time. The joy they find in Jesus is a great encouragement to many people, including myself. Please, if you feel compelled, look further in to the fund and consider a donation, and even if you do not donate, please pray for their continued strength and success in this endeavor.
Last week my friend, Erin, was interviewed by a Columbia University graduate student about what life is like being married to a professional athlete. Like Erin, I find it interesting that people are interested in the role of women in this profession and am always willing to answer questions. As such, I offered to also be interviewed. Below are my responses (including a grammatical error or two that irk me now!). I did change The Boy’s name to [TB]. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them at any time through my contact form or in the comments of a post.
Could you briefly describe how and when you met your husband? Were you nervous about dating an athlete considering their high profile lifestyle?
I met my husband, Kevin, in the training room at the University of Tulsa (TU) in 2000. At TU, like many universities, the training room is also a social hub for athletes. Almost all athletes swing by for ice and end up chatting. I was spending a lot of time in the training room due to a recent knee surgery and started chatting with Kevin. He was very quiet and shy at first, but from there we started talking and hanging out. Throughout our time at TU, we dated off and on. There were times when basketball and school interrupted us, but we kept finding our way back together. We were married in July of 2004.
I never really thought much of Kevin’s profile while we were dating other than the interruptions it provided us. To me, he was always “just Kevin.” He was never flashy, worked hard, was smart and took care of business off the court. Most importantly, his basketball success never went to his head. He has always been down to Earth and humble. For a high-profile basketball player, he was a low-profile person, and even while dating, we kept our relationship low-profile. As such, I was never really nervous about dating him.
What challenges do you face as an athlete’s wife?
There are challenges to being an athlete’s wife, but there are also many gifts and blessings! Our family situation is a bit unique. I traveled with Kevin for several years before returning to work in the US while he continues to play abroad. My challenges now are different than when we traveled together.
While abroad with Kevin, there were the challenges of homesickness and completing every day tasks while learning a new language and culture. In each country, I would be so excited after going to the post office, being able to communicate what I needed, and accomplishing the task without frustration. Each year, this task is was always a turning point for me– the point where I felt like our new country was comfortable for me. It was also a challenge for me to learn to live by an unpredictable schedule, as I am a planner. However, none of those challenges were insurmountable, and I loved being overseas with my husband.
Now that I stay in the US and work while Kevin is abroad, my main challenges are in keeping our household running, working, and caring for our three year old son, [TB], while also encouraging my husband and supporting him in his career and daily life while on opposite sides of the world and keeping our marriage fresh! While keeping all of those balls in the air are a challenge, the biggest challenge is when Kevin comes home and leaves each year. As you can imagine, this is hard on me, and even harder on [TB]. Again, these are not insurmountable, and I am incredibly grateful for the opportunities basketball has given us as a family.
In both cases, I think one of the harder challenges and a lesson I learned early in our marriage is that my husband has only a certain amount of control over his job. He could become injured at any time. He can be cut for just about any reason. He might not know today where he will play tomorrow, and at times, he does not get paid even when he is doing his job and doing it well! Because of this, I have had to learn not to resent or otherwise harbor ill feelings towards my husband or his career. Fortunately, I learned this lesson early in our marriage, and it has helped me to be a better wife and partner to Kevin.
I have read about “two-person careers” where one profession dominates a marriage… what is your experience with this?
I never really wanted to be out front, so it never bothered me that Kevin was getting a lot of attention. In our second year of marriage was the first time I was ever on camera with him, and even then, it was us relaxing together. We had our son before I ever even gave an interview!
More generally, however, I never thought of his profession dominating our marriage. When I quit my job and moved abroad with Kevin, we made that decision together for our marriage. My perspective always was that it was an amazing opportunity, a gift, presented to us. As a young couple, we were able to spend more time together in our first two or three years than many couples in twice (or more) as many years. We were able to travel throughout Europe, immersed in the culture, learning and experiencing a life of which many only dream. Certainly there were some challenges, some of which I listed above, but we had a positive attitude about the experience. His career dictated our life, where we would live, but it never dominated our marriage.
Do you have an independent career and if so how do you balance all the demands from work to home life?
Earlier, I traveled with Kevin and even then worked part-time (10-20 hours/week when I had a project, 0 if I did not), which allowed me to work only while Kevin was at practice and still complete the meals, cleaning, and graduate level classes without much effort.
Now that I stay in the US, I work full-time. Balancing demands can be a tough at times, but I spend time each week evaluating my priorities and schedule. I believe that God has given me talents and gifts that allow me to be successful in this endeavor. I spend time daily in prayer and reading the Bible. This quiet time helps me to remember what is really important in my life and limits my ability to allow work to dominate my life. Yes, work is important, and I work hard, but my family is more important. Fortunately, my employer is very flexible and understands (and even encourages) that family is more important than work. It is never a question if [TB] is sick about whether or not I can stay home with him. I am also able to take time off for his school events and anything else I need.
On a day-to-day basis, I admit, I do have someone come to the house once a month to help me clean, and I arrange once a week to have a babysitter for a few hours, so I can have some down time while Kevin is out of the country and have a date night with Kevin when he returns. Outside of that help, I have learned to live with things being less than perfect in order to allow me more time in the evenings and mornings to connect with [TB]. If I sweep tomorrow instead of today, the world will not end!
What stereotypes do athlete’s wives face?
While there are a lot of stereotypes, I never thought much of them until a couple of years after Kevin and I were married. In France, I was friends with some of the French wives who told me I did not fit the stereotype of an American basketball wife, and the next year a lady I met at a playgroup in Germany said that I did not seem at all like the stereotype of a basketball wife. I had to ask each what they meant. Even now, I do not give much thought to what the stereotypes are, though it appears most people think athlete’s wives are arm-candy and marry only for the money. I assure you, I fit neither! I am an average mid-western girl (born and raised in Minnesota) and definitely not a supermodel, and while my husband makes a good salary, I had my own career with a decent salary and good benefits before we married and do again. Also, my father-in-law once said that all I do is shop, which I can also assure you is not true!
I take my marriage seriously, and Kevin’s career is but a small portion of our overall lives, especially when we consider that our marriage will last long after his days as a basketball player!
When someone googles “athletes wife” a deluge of hotness ranking lists and pictures of “sexy athlete’s wives” dominate the search results. What do you think this does to the public perception of wives? Does this help perpetuate stereotypes?
In general, I do think it helps to perpetuate the stereotypes, but what the fans and public do not see is who that woman is in the marriage and as a person. It is easy to look at a sexy wife and apply certain stereotypes to that woman, but the more I am around professional athletes and their wives, the more I realize that the stereotypes are not always true. There are a lot of intelligent and loving wives who take their role in their family seriously, whether it is working at home, raising children, working outside the home, or any combination there of! Many are happy to stay behind the scenes and keep a low-profile. Unfortunately, they do not tend to make the news or the lists!
Fear of infidelity is something that has come up in a lot of my interviews… have you ever experienced any anxiety over this? How have you seen other athlete’s wives coupe with or succumb to this looming culture of infidelity in professional sports?
I think whether ones husband is an athlete or not, this is something that every marriage experiences some sort of realization about– everyone has weaknesses, and we all need to guard our marriages accordingly in a society where marriage is not (always) respected. Early on, I was more flippant in thinking that Kevin would never cheat on me, but the more I mature as a person, the more I realize that no one’s marriage is infallible. I pray daily, especially while my husband is overseas, for the strength of our marriage and our faithfulness to one another.
Unfortunately, I have seen other athlete’s wives dealing with their husband’s infidelity, and I have seen friends outside of sports have to deal with the same issues. It is always hard and unfortunate when a wife’s fears are reality. Based on what I have seen, those who deal with the situation best are those who realize infidelity could happen, work daily on their marriage, but do not allow themselves to dwell on the potential negatives. It seems to me that those women are the happiest. Those who fret daily about their husband tend to have a lot more anxiety in their marriage, and therefore, more problems even when the husband and wife are faithful to one another.
Now that I have officially come out about my husband’s profession, I have to say, if you watch the show “Basketball Wives” on VH1, be sure to note that this is not what my life is like! Yes, basketball has afforded me many opportunities and has been relatively good to me, but I do not think it is hard to tell even from the trailer how different I am from these women. Here is the “Supertrailer” for those interested.
In the interest of full disclosure, I did not watch the show after watching the trailer, but my friend and fellow basketball wife (not ex-wife like some of the women on the show) Alexandra offered a full review.
…the term “basketball widow” takes on a whole new meaning!
Sure, our friends’ husbands like to watch games (football, basketball, etc), but when your man is a baller, it takes on a whole new meaning…especially because I stay in the US while he travels abroad to work!
